People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
You Might Also Like
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
PLOT TWIST:
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10