This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
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I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.