Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
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*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse