Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
You Might Also Like
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.