Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
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ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more