My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
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*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I am having an out of money experience.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.