This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
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i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.