Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
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My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.