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Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.