Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
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I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)