Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
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My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Girl, same.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here