I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
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Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.