Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
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Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
lmfao come on
Yup.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.