If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
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doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no