sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
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No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.