I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
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If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.