Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
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I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West