When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
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Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him