Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
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curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Watson was Holmes schooled
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf