I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
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in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
felt cute might bury dad later idk
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
This made me smile…
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue