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I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.