Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
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Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
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The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill