You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
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me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
I hope this email finds you in a well
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
My diet starts in January
of 2027