[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
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cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
This kid is going places
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close