I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
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Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!