One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
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When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.