If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
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Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Note to self: always read the final line
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.