*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
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Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*