When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
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Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
spot the difference
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.