Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
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I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!