*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
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Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..