Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
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[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
No one :
Me when I swimming :
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function