[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
You Might Also Like
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
wishing you and yours all the best
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me