Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
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People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*