Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
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Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
that’s really how it is