This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
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So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
what kind of cook setting is this??
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while