me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
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It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*