I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
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The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.