Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
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Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Body by sandwich.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
is this meant to deter me
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
mariah carrie
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect