I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
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The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.