“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
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Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean