There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
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Pizza is an emotion right?
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Just ordered me some pizza!
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”