Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
You Might Also Like
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
he was correct
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I have questions??
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”