Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
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My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out