Yes, but it was never about money
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I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Whoa 😂
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U