The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
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Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.