I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
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Breakfast for Stoners:
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again