Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
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Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
can’t bark with your mouth full
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.