Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
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I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets