Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
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i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Banana is the quietest snack
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
#catsoftwitter
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more